19 mos

It feels almost like just yesterday with a bump waiting excitedly for the arrival of the little guy, anxious over the 1st sign of labour, how contractions feel like, the tolerance to labouring......

but hey that's talking about a good 19 months ago and everything appear to go by in a flash. in this post, I am not going to talk much about Zethan's progress since there isn't much update so perhaps to pen down my thoughts will be interesting.

Zethan is now about 83cm, temperamental, demanding, excel in large motor skill, require improvements in fine motor skill, more need to be done in the department of speech. He has learned to kiss mummy when asked for it with a pouty mouth, can even use his hands to draw my head closer for a kiss. How heartwarming! Just few days ago, apparently he gave me a huge shock of my life by climbing out of his playpen (not to my knowledge and apparently no indication on how he did it) and he love to climb the dining chair to get to the dining. Don't ask me what captivated his interest on the table. He mouthed 'more' once or twice either trying to tell no more or wants to have more. he has a pointed buttock which 'prevent' him from sitting down for more than a minute or two (casting the thought of hyperactivity aside!)

okay now back to ME, how about my thoughts and journey through motherhood. when I see him in my arms following his arrival, the feeling is surreal. I have become a mummy after been through a roller coaster of emotions filled with worries, happiness, excitement. End of the day I am truely glad to be blessed with a healthy infant.

Zethan has not been a easy baby to start with which make the care giving really tricky.Never would I have thought I would face huge difficulties in handling this little being. The enormous self confidence came crashing down and started to doubt my own ability as a mother. Breastfeeding is a total big failure which is utterly upsetting. my tolerance in terms of patience have been pushed to the max and have to be reminded by my mum that perhaps I should not have such high expectation of the little guy. His self declared dieting aka milk strike sent me spiralling down south, I was totally close to the brim of a breakdown.

Untill this point of time, there are many moments when I still feel like a failure being a mother. Unable to apprehend and read the cues and signs of Zethan which might have save us from alot of meltdowns and frustrations. Do I understand my own child? Do I have to practise anger management? Can I stop myself from yelling like a runaway case from woodbridge? of course these are part and parcel of motherhood and it is only a matter of how much 'experience' one is being put through. So yes I have roughed it out or put it this way, roughing out still in progress, struggling with motherhood and what's next to come.

There have been many instances which serves as reminders on how precious should this child be. Having been through a miscarriage and devestation, Zethan should be regarded as a blessing. Witnessing the unfortunate children around especially those whom I have met during my course of work, the sick children reminded me further on the fact that I should treasure Zethan more and is fortunate to be blessed with good health.

Motherhood have made me a much more vulnerable person and I am easily being flooded with emotions over the slightest little thing. The advanced tear ducts are 'activated' at the sight of elderly earning a living, young children crossing the road and the heart sunk.

Everyday experiences resemble that to a lucky draw, you never know what to expect, will it be a lucky day or otherwise. On good days, the wonderful bonding and time spent with him make me regret for not being a SAHM to devote more of my time in his growing up years and the lack of participation in it. On bad trying days, the frustration can be a killer and the regrets of having such a difficult child set in.

Whatever the case is, the fact remain that he is still my child, my precious one. Happy 19 monthsary! Love you always, darling!